The Trigger of the Pink T-Shirt

The other day I was combing through boxes, buried deep within the bottom of a box I came upon one of my favourite t-shirts. It is a pink lulu lemon t-shirt with the words: "Love Blossoms". From the first moment I had laid eyes on it at the store, I found the words to be so spiritually deep and profound. I just had to own it! I embraced this t-shirt and wore it with pride, illuminating the spiritual meaning of the tee. I love this t-shirt, not only because of the resonant words, pink also happens to be my favourite colour. This t-shirt on a whole represents far greater than any amount of human words can describe. It's more than just a piece of clothing. It is inspiring and meaningful. It is a crucial key to my spirit.

I wore this t-shirt when I was 150 lbs at my goal weight, after having lost 100 lbs. The words gave me hope. Digging it up from the bottom of the barrels I had buried in it, meant digging up all the emotional baggage that came with my weight loss and my weight gain. This t-shirt represents a huge emotional 'moment'. A significant breakthrough of this journey. Bob Greene in "The Best Life Diet" believes that if one does not deal with the emotional triggers associated with eating and weight gain, one shall never fully conquer 'weight loss'. The weight will always creep back. He is right! I definitely must uncover the emotional reason why I eat, and dull my senses. When I held the t-shirt I was ultimately bombarded with fleeting emotions and feelings all at once.

When I am over-weight I am safe. Safe is good. In addition, I have discovered that I have deep seated childhood unworthy issues and fears of abandonment. Most importantly, there is a pattern here. Lose weight, gain it back again. Thus, there must be more to it. Obviously, it is the tip of the iceberg and more will come to light as time passes. The timing of the return of the t-shirt is fatefully planned.

I have never touched upon the emotional side of my weight issues. Those issues are deep rooted since my childhood days, when I first began to gain weight. In fact, my childhood nickname until I was ten years old was "Skinny Kimmy". I was tiny and thin. What the heck happened? At the age of 13, I found myself to be morbidly obese. Than something changed and I lost my first 80 lbs. Than I met my husband, and slowly gained the weight back again. At the age of 29, I weighed 250 lbs; then a life altering moment had triggered something deep within and over a period of two years I lost 100 lbs.

I thought I would be happy thinner. I always believed 'thin' people were 'it'. They had it all. If they didn't it was easy for them to get it, after all when you are thin everything is perfect. That was my ultimate goal when I lost 100 lbs. I would be 'happy' and so loved. I would be so beautiful. People would finally noticed my beauty and all else would be perfect. When I reached my goal weight, it was like the glass house crashed around me, along with my faith, and my beliefs. I hit rock bottom and as I began to pull myself out, I realized that I was completely wrong!

I have had to discover the hard way, that happiness lies within. You have to create your own happiness no matter what your body size is. My definition of "happiness" has also greatly been altered. I have met some thin people on this journey full experience, and they are the most lost people on earth, in my opinion. For me, that was a huge eye opener. It was an "aha" moment of "aha" moments. Gone was my strong belief that if someone was thin, they had it all going on and in control. Most importantly, beauty lies deep within the soul and is no way a reflection of the outside.

When I reached my goal weight, I was shocked to see that nothing had changed. Not only was I unhappy, but I was also insecure and cut off from my true self. I might of shed pounds and pounds of fat, however with it came major upheavals that forced me to bury my spirit. However, this pink t-shirt was a positive highlight of my weight loss. It represented so deeply much of my spirit.

Now the up-rising of the tee, brings everything to the fore front. On a full moon day, I felt a sudden malaise. I took three days off from training. I wasn't feeling well. I felt an overwhelming sense of physical exhaustion. An emotional drainage. Everything seemed to come to a standstill. I honoured my body, at the same time I honoured the time I needed to re-group within. I felt an upheaval of emotions. The full moon that rose above, and holding the t-shirt again brought forth many complex feelings, deep seated resentments and hurts. It was time to deal with this head on. It is the full reason for my weight gain. I cannot hide behind the veil of fertility treatment and pregnancy as the soul excuse for my weight gain. For one, I fully realize that I am at the cusp of joining that famous 100 lb club. This club represents so many facets of emotion and feelings. I want so badly to be back in that club. I can taste it. Yet, I fear it. Now with every pound I lose, it's crucial to release all the reasons I am overweight.

I firmly believe that we learn our greatest lessons when we fail. There is a reason we fall down. I will never forget the day when I stepped on the scale and it read 200 lbs. After having lost 100 lbs and thinking I had said farewell to the 200 club, I was back in. Mind you, I was six months pregnant. Nonetheless, it was like I had been hit in the heart with a sledgehammer! I knew that once my child was born, I would have a lot of work ahead of me to lose back the weight. I knew that it meant I had a lot of emotional turmoil to deal with because obviously I had just swept it under the carpet the first time and the second time. What happened? How did it happen? I don't know. All I know is that I woke-up one morning and my pink tee no longer fit. Stretched were the words over my heart. With great sadness, I put it away at the very bottom of a box. Numb to the feeling, and the symbolism it represented. It was an emotional downfall. A failure. I had failed and everyone could see.

But, this time as I held the t-shirt to my heart it felt different. As the light of the full moon shined down on me everything felt magical. Something stirred within my spirit and soul. Third time is a charm! I will slowly dig through my fears of abandonment. The universe taught me a valuable lesson. I will charge forth on my worthiness issues. I am a wonderful person. I am fortunate to have the love, and respect of amazing people. I am guided and so blessed. My lifestyle change is a permanent improvement to me on the inside and outside. I am worthy of being happy today. I have found true happiness. I realize that I do not want to be overweight any longer. Therefore, it is time to break free from all those emotional chains that weigh me down. It is now or never! Happiness lies within me. Beauty resonates from my soul and spirit.

With this, I can feel a huge change. The shift is happening; and it's big! A new confidence has built within and the clincher is; it came to me while I was overweight! With time comes maturity, with experience comes wisdom, a divine spiritual journey. My marriage is now at the best place it's ever been, I have found a new found faith within and confidence. I am letting my beautiful light shine forth. For the first time, I am truly being ME! Therefore safe is no longer good enough for me. I know that I will never walk this earth alone. I have waisted so much time, being sad and overweight. The cloud is being lifted. My life has meaning.

The pink lululemon t-shirt now hangs in my closet. Always visible to me. Not for what it used to represent, but now for what my goal and future represent. One day soon, I will wear; "Love Blossoms" again. This time it will be extraordinary. When I proudly wear my pink tee it will stand for 'victory' in all it's grandest forms. The achievement of overcoming my struggle with weight. The re-discovery of my spirit and soul. The redemption of my marital relationship. The blessings of my children, family and friends. Living my life with purpose and passion. The circle of life and how when one has faith and is willing to work at it; love shines forth; love blossoms!