Almost one week has passed since I've been diagnosed as having an incisional hernia. It's actually been quite painful. I feel so distorted!

When it rains it pours. My sister had surgery yesterday. My two year old is also looking at having surgery. We have an appointment with a children's surgeon on Tuesday. So things have been rough.

I've been slightly non-chalant and certainly not my happy self. It's okay though. Unhappy Kim has to come out once in awhile. So, I'll let her rant. Then I'll fix her!

Unfortunately, I have not been able to go to the gym. I'm not supposed to go, but I told myself that I would go and just walk gently on the treadmill. Didn't happen. I've been in quite some pain. So I made the mistake of stepping on the scale; 5 lbs! I gained 5lbs! In ONE week! My trainer, who is wonderful emotional support feels that it's most likely hernia related. It seems to have doubled in size since my doctor attempted to push it in. I can't excuse the weight gain though. Times like these I hate my body! It stores fat faster than a rabbit on Viagra producing offspring!

I've been in a slump! I really think I'm just destined to be overweight. I mean what good would a jolly gal like me be; thin? The two just don't go together! It's just to hard and complicated to keep going like this. Times like these: I hate being the nice, kind and happy girl!!!

Everything came to a head the other night. We had just found out there was an abnormality in my little guy's testicle. I came home and had a shower. My two year old decided he wanted to renovate his room; every book was off his bookshelf and almost every piece of clothing out of his drawers. My hair was half done. My thirteen year old and seven year old were arguing. The energy of the house was heavy, red and angry! When my hubby arrived home from work, all heck had broken loose. I was feverishly cooking and slamming everything. No love going into dinner that night. I looked like I had just been hit by a bus! "What happened to you?" Well, let me tell ya boys, if your wife is having a bad day; that's the worst line you could say!

So I went up to my room just to gather my thoughts and compose myself. My hubby followed as my behaviour was unusual. I started venting. Thinking back, I must of been extremely hormonal! So he laid beside me trying to be kind; "what can I do to make this better?". Thinking he was going to get 'lucky'...( I mean men can be so dumb. I'm having an emotional break down and he thinks he can fix it with sex???) "You know what will maaaaaaaaake me feel better?" as I burst into tears. Through the tears he smiled; "tell me?" "Boots! I need new boots! I want some UGGS!"

As soon as the words flew out of my mouth, I couldn't help but laugh! Kimmy was back! Thankfully for the sanity of my family!

In retrospective, we all have bad days. It's okay. You know there's always someone out there who's having a worse day than you. So I took a deep breath, and for some odd reason decided to check my email. There waiting was a message from a good friend of mine who's sister has been battling cancer. She wanted to drop me a line, letting me know that her sister was on her final journey to Elizabeth Bruyère a palliative care hospital. Here I was wallowing in self-pity because I won't be able to train and attempt to lose weight for maybe three months, and this young mother of two was saying good-bye. She wasn't crying because she wouldn't be able to 'train'. She was crying because she doesn't know how many days she has left to be with her family. Wow! The universe sure brought it all into perspective! Shame on me!

At least for me, in a few months, I'll be back at cursing the gym. But, for a brave young mother, she may not get to see Christmas 2008.

I'm feeling a bit better. I know that I am very blessed. My sister will make a full recovery. I will have my surgery and be back on track soon enough. My little two year old is resilient and all will work-out for him also. Everything happens for a reason. Lessons are important to learn. Life is sometimes unfair and not easy. When life gives you lemons, make some lemonade and think of those who are worse off. My Uggs arrive next week!

Another Hurdle on My Journey

As I write this I am in tears! Who would of ever thought that I would be crying over not be able to train! LOL
Well, I am!
I've definitely turned a new leaf.

A few days ago, I was experiencing severe abdominal pain. I just returned from the doctor and sadly I have a few lingering medical issues that need to be dealt with.

My pain was most likely due to ovarian cysts that have not burst or ovarian cyst that are putting pressure on my stomach hernia! WHAT?! I have an incisional stomach hernia most likely a result from my previous c-section or ectopic rupture. Which means: no more weight training for me for a while. I'm so frustrated, sad and angry!

However, I can do light cardio; walking only. I am due to see the surgeon within the next few weeks to discuss surgery and recovery. They'll be going through my c-section incision, so I'll be out for 6 weeks for recovery. Thus, I'm at least two months away from training again at a minimum.

Still, my optimistic self is telling me that it's a bump in the road, a simple curve ball. On the big picture it will be just a mere dot. On the brighter side, maybe while they are in there I can have a tummy tuck? LOL

Nonetheless, for the time being...I will wallow not being able to weight train or do any type of core training. Life is so unfair sometimes!!!
For all of you able to work-out and train; do a few extra for me would ya?!

The Trigger of the Pink T-Shirt

The other day I was combing through boxes, buried deep within the bottom of a box I came upon one of my favourite t-shirts. It is a pink lulu lemon t-shirt with the words: "Love Blossoms". From the first moment I had laid eyes on it at the store, I found the words to be so spiritually deep and profound. I just had to own it! I embraced this t-shirt and wore it with pride, illuminating the spiritual meaning of the tee. I love this t-shirt, not only because of the resonant words, pink also happens to be my favourite colour. This t-shirt on a whole represents far greater than any amount of human words can describe. It's more than just a piece of clothing. It is inspiring and meaningful. It is a crucial key to my spirit.

I wore this t-shirt when I was 150 lbs at my goal weight, after having lost 100 lbs. The words gave me hope. Digging it up from the bottom of the barrels I had buried in it, meant digging up all the emotional baggage that came with my weight loss and my weight gain. This t-shirt represents a huge emotional 'moment'. A significant breakthrough of this journey. Bob Greene in "The Best Life Diet" believes that if one does not deal with the emotional triggers associated with eating and weight gain, one shall never fully conquer 'weight loss'. The weight will always creep back. He is right! I definitely must uncover the emotional reason why I eat, and dull my senses. When I held the t-shirt I was ultimately bombarded with fleeting emotions and feelings all at once.

When I am over-weight I am safe. Safe is good. In addition, I have discovered that I have deep seated childhood unworthy issues and fears of abandonment. Most importantly, there is a pattern here. Lose weight, gain it back again. Thus, there must be more to it. Obviously, it is the tip of the iceberg and more will come to light as time passes. The timing of the return of the t-shirt is fatefully planned.

I have never touched upon the emotional side of my weight issues. Those issues are deep rooted since my childhood days, when I first began to gain weight. In fact, my childhood nickname until I was ten years old was "Skinny Kimmy". I was tiny and thin. What the heck happened? At the age of 13, I found myself to be morbidly obese. Than something changed and I lost my first 80 lbs. Than I met my husband, and slowly gained the weight back again. At the age of 29, I weighed 250 lbs; then a life altering moment had triggered something deep within and over a period of two years I lost 100 lbs.

I thought I would be happy thinner. I always believed 'thin' people were 'it'. They had it all. If they didn't it was easy for them to get it, after all when you are thin everything is perfect. That was my ultimate goal when I lost 100 lbs. I would be 'happy' and so loved. I would be so beautiful. People would finally noticed my beauty and all else would be perfect. When I reached my goal weight, it was like the glass house crashed around me, along with my faith, and my beliefs. I hit rock bottom and as I began to pull myself out, I realized that I was completely wrong!

I have had to discover the hard way, that happiness lies within. You have to create your own happiness no matter what your body size is. My definition of "happiness" has also greatly been altered. I have met some thin people on this journey full experience, and they are the most lost people on earth, in my opinion. For me, that was a huge eye opener. It was an "aha" moment of "aha" moments. Gone was my strong belief that if someone was thin, they had it all going on and in control. Most importantly, beauty lies deep within the soul and is no way a reflection of the outside.

When I reached my goal weight, I was shocked to see that nothing had changed. Not only was I unhappy, but I was also insecure and cut off from my true self. I might of shed pounds and pounds of fat, however with it came major upheavals that forced me to bury my spirit. However, this pink t-shirt was a positive highlight of my weight loss. It represented so deeply much of my spirit.

Now the up-rising of the tee, brings everything to the fore front. On a full moon day, I felt a sudden malaise. I took three days off from training. I wasn't feeling well. I felt an overwhelming sense of physical exhaustion. An emotional drainage. Everything seemed to come to a standstill. I honoured my body, at the same time I honoured the time I needed to re-group within. I felt an upheaval of emotions. The full moon that rose above, and holding the t-shirt again brought forth many complex feelings, deep seated resentments and hurts. It was time to deal with this head on. It is the full reason for my weight gain. I cannot hide behind the veil of fertility treatment and pregnancy as the soul excuse for my weight gain. For one, I fully realize that I am at the cusp of joining that famous 100 lb club. This club represents so many facets of emotion and feelings. I want so badly to be back in that club. I can taste it. Yet, I fear it. Now with every pound I lose, it's crucial to release all the reasons I am overweight.

I firmly believe that we learn our greatest lessons when we fail. There is a reason we fall down. I will never forget the day when I stepped on the scale and it read 200 lbs. After having lost 100 lbs and thinking I had said farewell to the 200 club, I was back in. Mind you, I was six months pregnant. Nonetheless, it was like I had been hit in the heart with a sledgehammer! I knew that once my child was born, I would have a lot of work ahead of me to lose back the weight. I knew that it meant I had a lot of emotional turmoil to deal with because obviously I had just swept it under the carpet the first time and the second time. What happened? How did it happen? I don't know. All I know is that I woke-up one morning and my pink tee no longer fit. Stretched were the words over my heart. With great sadness, I put it away at the very bottom of a box. Numb to the feeling, and the symbolism it represented. It was an emotional downfall. A failure. I had failed and everyone could see.

But, this time as I held the t-shirt to my heart it felt different. As the light of the full moon shined down on me everything felt magical. Something stirred within my spirit and soul. Third time is a charm! I will slowly dig through my fears of abandonment. The universe taught me a valuable lesson. I will charge forth on my worthiness issues. I am a wonderful person. I am fortunate to have the love, and respect of amazing people. I am guided and so blessed. My lifestyle change is a permanent improvement to me on the inside and outside. I am worthy of being happy today. I have found true happiness. I realize that I do not want to be overweight any longer. Therefore, it is time to break free from all those emotional chains that weigh me down. It is now or never! Happiness lies within me. Beauty resonates from my soul and spirit.

With this, I can feel a huge change. The shift is happening; and it's big! A new confidence has built within and the clincher is; it came to me while I was overweight! With time comes maturity, with experience comes wisdom, a divine spiritual journey. My marriage is now at the best place it's ever been, I have found a new found faith within and confidence. I am letting my beautiful light shine forth. For the first time, I am truly being ME! Therefore safe is no longer good enough for me. I know that I will never walk this earth alone. I have waisted so much time, being sad and overweight. The cloud is being lifted. My life has meaning.

The pink lululemon t-shirt now hangs in my closet. Always visible to me. Not for what it used to represent, but now for what my goal and future represent. One day soon, I will wear; "Love Blossoms" again. This time it will be extraordinary. When I proudly wear my pink tee it will stand for 'victory' in all it's grandest forms. The achievement of overcoming my struggle with weight. The re-discovery of my spirit and soul. The redemption of my marital relationship. The blessings of my children, family and friends. Living my life with purpose and passion. The circle of life and how when one has faith and is willing to work at it; love shines forth; love blossoms!

That 100 lb Club is Within Reach...

Good day!

Let's start from the top! Another pound gone! That's 36lbs now! It's peeling off, I keep reminding myself slow and steady wins the race! In addition to this, my clothes are getting really baggy. Which is good. I'm four pounds away from saying a final good-bye to the 200 club. I was thinking that I need a reward...like a big reward! I'm tossing the idea of a new work-out outfit from Lulu, because I'm floating in all my work-out gear right now. Besides, I need some pink! :> Also, I'm really looking into buying a new pair of UGGS. SOOOOO....getting into the 100 club is a big DEAL! It's a huge accomplishment. That will make me 40lbs lighter. So why not buy 40 pounds worth? Just kidding! I've decided that my reward is going to be: a new work-out outfit from Lululemon, a new gym bag (with some pink) and some UGG boots!

I've been consistently going to the gym in the morning, it's been a week and that's a record for me. It really feels satisfying! I've been inspired by season 5 winner of NBC's "The Biggest Loser" Ali. What can you say but; wow! Ali has lost a total of 112 lbs. She has absolutely no loose skin. I'm very impressed by that. Often you will see people who lose weight appear saggy and droopy. Some get plastic surgery to remove loose excess skin. Ali surely sets an example against this. Her secret? Is that nutritionist listening? WEIGHT TRAINING! :> She does quite a bit of cardio too. I have incorporated her secret to tight arms in my work-out regime. I highly recommend you google her and see her before and after photos. Absolutely inspiring to say the least! Go Ali!

The rower is what Ali feels is the secret to her hot arms! So, on my cardio days, I will be following Ali's advice and doing ten minutes of rowing holding on one way, and ten minutes the other. I also will continue to do Tracy's Anderson's DVD's. I like some alternatives to my training.

For those of you reading, who contemplate saying: "I just have no time to work-out" I can say to you; because I've been there. There are 168 hours in a week. That is ten thousand or so minutes. If you look at it that way; can you not fathom giving your body, mind and spirit 60 or so minutes a week?

Have a great day!
Kimmy

A Very Special Day...

Today, is my 8Th wedding anniversary. Yep! Eight years today, I married my hubby! Side note, we've been together as a couple for 17 years! That's almost half my life...whew! They say : "time flies when you are having fun..." . Some days are bumpy, but for the most part...it's been fun.

We were married on 11/4/00 on board the ship Explorer of the Seas. It's been quite an exploration let me tell ya! hahaha The freaky part that I absolutely love is that there is exactly 11 years, 4 months difference between Tony and myself (I'm the younger party ;) ). Just a reminder, we were married the 11Th month, 4Th day. I never arranged it that way. I realized it about three years after the fact. It came to me when things were a little tough in our relationship. That moment was like: 'whoa...wait a minute...there's more to this!' I immediately realized that THERE is something we call FATE and DESTINY. We sure are guided on our path. Yep! It's good ol' me being sappy and wise! Let me tell you...that is what keeps me smiling!

Here we are today....my hubby has been a work in progress. Aren't we all??? But, he's a great guy with a teddy bear of a heart. He is very sentimental these days....this morning he reminded me that we were stuck together forever, and that marrying me was the best decision he ever made and if I could just be myself for a second: He REALLY loves me! I'm quite the catch ya know! My ex-boyfriends should really be kicking themselves!!!! :) hahahahaha Just kidding! But, certainly not about the "he loves me" me part...hahahahaa
I'm very grateful for having Tony in my life...and not a day goes by that I am not thankful.

In fact, that is our wedding song: The Prayer by Céline Dion and Andrea Bocelli.
On Saturday night, we watched my pvr'd Oprah from Friday's show (I know what a great thing to do with your hubby!!! hahaha Anyhow...wouldn't you know it! Mr. Andrea Bocelli was on singing " The Prayer ". So I didn't say anything (don't we just love to test our hubbies?! "Hey that's our song...and our anniversary is this week!" One million points for Tony! He made me rewind it three times! Another million points for him! :)
On a serious note, the words mimic the journey we've been on, and continue to go. Also, it's even fascinating synchronistically that a french woman and an italian man sing the song!

Moving on from my spiritual over analyzations, tonight we are heading out for dinner. Italian of course! In preparation, I went to work-out at the gym this morning! Yeah Me! Honestly, I have to say that it actually feels amazing to work-out in the morning and get it over with! Let see today...

I got two boys off to school. Work-out for 40 minutes. Had my shower. Made all the beds. Got Tony off to work. Did three loads of laundry. Cleaned out my fridge. Vacuumed and mopped the floors. This with breakfast and lunch done! I love being organized and having everything clean and in order. Plus, it's only two o'clock! I have time to write and work on my book!

Nonetheless, I'm right on my work-out schedule. I'm drinking my water etc...eating properly (except for tonight but I'll work that off after...;) ).

I'd also like to say that it doesn't matter if you have 50, 20, 5 lbs to lose. You got to work-it to get it! Also, even if you are at the perfect weight...ya got to work-it to keep it!

So commit to yourself...!
Hugs,
Kimmy

This week...

Hello,

Well today...I won't be go to the gym to work-out as my trainer is ill. So instead of taking another day off, I'm going to do some serious Tracy Anderson today.



I have to stay focused. Losing weight is a full-time commitment.



This week is a tad of a busy week for me, so I must stay on goal. There is no "oh after tomorrow" or "I'll start on Monday" etc. Today is the day! Every day counts towards that goal! Tuesday is my wedding anniversary! My hubby has something very special planned (how do I know...I was a detective in my past life ;) ). So we'll be going out to eat for sure. Also, Friday I'm going out with my long time best friend Lyne to see Céline Dion! Yahoo! We are also going out to eat before hand.



The secret is to work-out before (cardio) and eat within reason. Make sure to drink some water and enjoy! That's why 'fad' diets JUST don't work! They don't adapt to normal life. If you are in need of a lifestyle change, I highly recommend Bob Green's "The Best Life Diet" book. It will change you...

I'm off lot's to do!

Have a great Monday!
Kimmy