So August feels like a busted month. No weight loss this month. But, I must hold my head high because I've working on the emotional department.
I am extremely determined to turn this around and change my life. Sure, it seems like all weight loss talk. There is so much more than layers of fat you see on the surface.
I am working on me; completely. So August has been an inside month! :)
The good news is that I'm still committed to the entire process.. It's imperative for me to train, work-out, eat well, drink water and have enough sleep. It's crucial for me to take care of myself. It's important for me to take the time to do what I enjoy doing. This isn't only about me. When I'm feeling good, when I have energy, and my body is running at it's best; I am fueled for everyone! That means that my entire family reaps the benefits! So Mom's everywhere...take the time for you!!!!
My goals now are:
-to lose 20lbs. Which will bring me to below 200lbs!
Oh...I can see that day coming soon!
-do more yoga
-finish my vision board

Here is a new photo of me....

Well, with the on going charades of my personal training drama...I have been off for two weeks. This really threw me for a huge loop. I have not been eating well, or drinking water. Exercise has also been non-existent. It is crucial to note, that I feel awful, drained and tired. My skin looks old, saggy and dry. I have zera patience. I have also gained 2lbs back. I am not angry, just saddened by the entire situation. I am confident that all happens for a reason, and this was crucial for me. This has been an important lesson for sure. I am glad that I am over the brick wall, and as Randy Pausch predicted; an important experience has been journeyed.
However, my trip up north was truly energizing. What a treat to be among your family and friends who love you for everything you are and have been. I have so missed being in their energy. I missed laughing and being me. I must learn to capture my true essence here, and not get caught up in the charades that have surrounded me in the past. It is important to be grounded in the moment and remember what is the essence of life: Love.. My children need the me, my husband fell in love with me and I just need to be me. :)
Also, during my vacation I did some amazing readings, and had some awesome "aha" moments. My intuition was on high!
I had many insights during this stay. Some of which included my passions and my book.
For the most part, it is very intimidating for me to come out and say : Hey here is my book, this is what I do. But, I have come to realize that it is necessary! I have asked myself the all important question: "If this were my last year?" What legacy would I love to leave behind? Having my book written and published is definitely one of them! So...I am a spiritual writer and ready to tell the world!!! I have lot's of knowledge and wisdom to share and that is my destiny! I accept it fully with open wings....and whatever happens happens. ;)
Likewise, it is time to climb back on the wagon. I feel an overwhelming urge to get back to working-out and eating well. This is imperative for my journey. I want to be healthy inside and out. Life is so grand! I must live each day to the fullest. It is now time to focus fully on this book that had been written in 2003-2004 and shelved. It is also time for me to be fully into taking care of myself. It is a new day, a new perspective....and I can't wait for it to be finally completed.
We are all blessed to be on this planet earth. We must fully live our journey...with love.
Until then;
" My body is my sanctity. It is my vehicle. I must respect it. I must feed it nutritious foods. I must nourish it with fresh water. I must exercise and move it. That is my gift to my body. In return, my body will carry me, sustain me and keep me vibrant so that I may live my best life." With Love....Kimmy
I also have a new trainer and begin training with her on Monday, August 25, 2008. So we will see where it goes...but all I can say is : "on to the next 20lbs!!!"

So, it's been almost a week since 'tragedy' struck. I'm still in shock. I still feel lost. It may sound strange and weird to some, but you have to understand my point here.When you are over-weight and trying to lose weight, your trainer represents salvation. He is like a God. He is your source for information and strength. Together we were a successful team. 20lbs and 15 inches gone! We clicked and things worked! We were on a roll...but like a good thing taken away to soon: Now a member of the team, the leader is gone. For three months, we trained together three times a week. Even when we didn't have a scheduled training session and I went to the gym to do cardio, my trainer would come over and encourage me. I looked forward to his gracious seal of approval. I was on the right track with his leadership and guidance. Now...I'm on my own. I still have many training sessions left from my pre-paid package at the gym. So the fitness manager has asked me to choose another trainer. I can't bring myself to do it. I am on vacation. I left to go to my home town in Northern Ontario for a week. The timing is perfect. I need to refresh my batteries so to speak. It feels great to be here. When I think back to last week, I am saddened...but I'm slowly trying to re-boot myself for what I believe will be phase 2 of my weight loss journey!

A Brick Wall...:(

A Brick Wall

Yesterday, I hit a brick wall. I hit the wall and the everything seemed to cave in....
My training session was booked for my regular 4 pm appointment. The day before I had cancelled my appointment, for reasons I didn't know. I just did it. Wednesday, I felt weird.
So I called my trainer up and 'un-cancelled'.
When I walked in the gym, I spotted my trainer in his street clothes. He looked defeated. He turned and looked at me, sadness surrounded him like a thick cloud. I approached him. "I have bad news..." is all I can remember hearing. I stopped breathing.
"They let me go today." I still couldn't breathe. "I will train with you today, on my own...because you are here." Okay. I went to the change room to get my running shoes on.
I started to breathe but irradically. I started to sweat. I could feel my pulse, it felt as though my heart was pounding out of my chest. Time was passing by slowly... it felt like a nightmare.
A million thoughts were swarming through my head. What am I going to do now? Even though I was always complaining about how uncomfortable I was...I was very comfortable. After all...I had gotten over the leg holding thing! He guided me to lose 20 lbs and 15 inches! We talked about everything from weight loss, nutrition to even day to day stuff. I can't believe this? How am I supposed to train with him today? I'm so sad. I loved my trainer. Why? How am I supposed to go out there and train? I just want to sit with him and make an action plan. Who am I going to train with now? I have to start ALL over again!!!! I take a deep breath and head out to see him. I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart. I look into his eyes, and he looks like he has just lost his best friend.
His manager instructs me to go on the treadmill and warm-up. People are staring. They know what has just happened. I find out that he has been let go because he has not generated enough clientel. The gym is very strict and puts alot of pressure on their employees, I am told. My trainer was a fantastic trainer, but couldn't make the sales pitch.
I'm warming-up on the treadmill. I feel like a schoolgirl. This is horrible. The whole way it's going down. My trainer is talking with his manager. Then he walks over and says: "they won't let me stay and train with you...I have been instructed to leave." I look at him dumbfounded and stop the treadmill. I'm leaving too...
As I'm walking out...the manager pulls me aside. He wants to talk with me. "Did you have a chance to look at our board and choose another trainer?" as he smiles. EFF!!! I'm not buying a pair of shoes here!!! It's a trainer. Someone who will get to know me. Appreciate my story. Know when to push me, when to stop pushing. What my strengths are. What my weakness' are. Someone who I will feel comfortable with. Someone who I don't mind wiping my sweat away. Your personal trainer becomes a trusted friend. Someone you rely on to help you on this difficult journey...someone you need. My personal trainer cannot be replaced. Now I am PISSED. How disrespectful!
I tell him that I need to think about what I'm going to do next. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot my trainer. He walked back into the gym. He forgot some stuff in his locker. He gets an escort into the locker room. Wow, he's being treated like a criminal. I am left standing there. My trainer walks by me and utters: "good luck, thanks for everything...bye' My eyes tear-up. Are you kidding me? This is the worst...
So the manager is happy to tell me that there are alot of better trainers at their gym then my trainer. He seems quite annoyed by my reaction. I guess my face tells the story. I can't even think straight. I'm asking the heaven's for the words...the courage...anything! "Don't let this stop you from your goal, we have excellent trainers here... try someone new...there are far better trainers than Ilker!" Suffice to say, I'm sure...but I really connected with Ilker. I'm not ready for change. Most importantly, I'm not happy with how things just went down right now. This is totally unprofessional. It was humiliating and embarrassing. It was uncalled for and unjust. Furthermore, I DIDN'T GET TO TRAIN TODAY! This gym is no hoky establishement. It is an organized franchised gym. What the eff? Is this how things work around here??? My parachute won't open. I'm dumbfounded and lost. I try to defend my trainer. But, to no avail. I refuse to choose a new one. It is a betrayal, especially after what I have just witnessed. I walk-out of the gym, extremely sad and lost. I don't know what I'm going to do...I have hit a major brick wall.


"Brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how badly we want things. They are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough." - Randy Pausch (1960-2008)