It's been to long...

Wow! I haven't written in a long time, to long for a gal like me that loves to write, vent and be heard!
So much going on, where to begin.

Firstly, I lost my mojo. Not being able to work-out has thrown me off the wagon. Being honest is the first policy of getting back on. I feel like crap and I'm eating not as well as I should be. I also am not drinking ANY water. I've gained five pounds. I'm very disappointed in myself. I'm also very afraid to gain back the 36 lbs (now 31 lbs) that I lost. My clothes are getting tight. I look back at my before photos and think: "NO WAY!"

My two year old is having surgery in January for a testicle issue. So we figured we'd bring in the seven year old for a check-up too. Turns out Carmelo has more serious of an issue than Antonio. Just the mention of the "C" word makes us all crumble. We are left holding our breath most likely over the Christmas holiday as the specialist is taking vacation time. Everything all at once...like I've said; when it rains it pours. Where the he..is that rainbow?

However, in light of it all. We've been down similar paths before and all has worked out. I'm keeping that faith. The little voice inside is also saying: "someone always has it worse. etc..." But then the other voice is saying: "ya got to honour the moment, and the emotions...this is a 'worse' for you. You got to feel it, soak it in, learn from it and move past it." If that doesn't work than I'll just have to focus on Carmelo himself: "Oh God! He squeezed my balls so hard I nearly farted!"

All jokes aside, in addition, I'm having negative self-righteous moments. Exactly, who am I to preach to others and attempt to inspire when I'm in such a rut myself? Why do I feel like I have the answers to everything? Why are my morale beliefs so enlightening to others? Why the heck do I have to be so positive and kind all the time? I'm getting on my own nerves; I can't imagine others who have to be around my energy! Who do I think I am?

I am walking around not feeling sorry for myself, but angry at those whom I feel are stupid and selfish. These people are testing every spiritual cell in my body. Those who annoy me, I have run out of patience or tolerance, and I must stay well away from...the pot has over boiled. I'm not feeling Christmasy either! Maybe I need Prozac!

Yet, when there is darkness...there is always a glimmer of light. I wouldn't be me, without that everlasting glimmer. It's just who I am.

I've decided that my chapter on this whole 'drama' will be an interesting one. This time, I won't fall off the wagon for three years! My friend Oprah, is coming out on Tuesday in her magazine about her recent falling off the wagon. She is promising herself to practice what she preaches. You can catch it all on her return in January; "Live Your Best Life."

Here's my promise, I'm climbing back on the wagon with Oprah! Like Randy Pausch famously said: "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." I have my poker face on and I'm sitting with a royal flush!