Letter to Oprah Winfrey

Dear Oprah,

I know exactly where you are coming from! I cannot express to you enough how much of a breath of fresh air your article has been for me.

In 2003, I reached my goal weight and lost a total of 100 lbs. I thought the weight was gone for good. I was originally inspired by Bob Green and one of your weight loss episodes. I was contacted by one of your researchers to maybe appear on your show. It never happened. But, just the calls and emails was success enough for me! I too thought I was out of the woods with this fat problem!

My weight gain (again) is a long story...but I gained 80 lbs of the 100. Oprah, gaining the weight back was so depressing. I was so angry at myself. I could hear the murmurs and feel the glances. I couldn't believe I did it again! How could I? What was I thinking? I should of stopped when I had gained 10lbs back. How did it get so out of control again? Getting into that 200 lb club AGAIN was the lowest of lows! I will never forget that moment. The moment I realized: I was fat again.

This spring I decided to get back on the wagon. I started working-out, weight training and doing yoga. I felt so alive again. To date, I had lost 35 lbs. I was on a roll! I immersed myself and my family in a healthier lifestyle. This time, I was going to conquer the battle of the bulge. I even started blogging about it, and created a website to help inspire others too. I also worked on finishing that book I had started writing so many moons ago during my first weight loss journey. I felt that this time the book would be completed, and I would reach that goal. This time I would focus on maintaining.

Unfortunately, after missing the gym for a few days due to some abnormal cramping, I received the news that I had an incisional hernia created by my 3rd c-section. No work-out allowed. Nothing. Nada. Not even yoga! I felt like I had gotten the rug pulled out from under me. Surgery would be required, but not until February 2009. What was I going to do now? I was destined to be fat forever!

Then, my 2 year old was diagnosed with undescended testicles. He is awaiting surgery as soon as the holidays pass. In addition, my 7 year old was also diagnosed with another tesiticular issue. We are awaiting his battery of tests to see what procedure will be taken for him. Next my beloved cat of 14 years passed away. Everything came all at once. Our entire family was overwhelmed with grief, sadness and frustration to say the least. All of this threw me for an emotional tail spin.

I couldn't work-out and my plate was overloaded with emotional upheaval. I turned to food. I have gained 5 lbs back of the 35 lbs I had lost. So now I have to lose 50lbs. I was so close to being in the 100 lb club! I feel like such a failure because I've left all my blog readers in limbo. I seriously thought I was back on track. Then I realized perhaps: I had fooled myself.

How could I be an inspiration myself; if I fell off the wagon AGAIN!? Who was I to preach to others about lifestyle changes etc...if I couldn't even follow them myself? I have been in this downward limbo for about a month. It's not good. I don't want to gain all the weight back. At the same time, I feel awful!

Your article inspired me Oprah! I understand the journey completely! When you said: "authentic change doesn't come easy, but with self-awareness, mindfulness, and guts, it actually does come." You hit the nail on the head! It's time for all of us to live life, the ups and the downs. It's time to focus on the whole; with us included. Change is never easy, change is a journey and perhaps gaining back the weight was our journey. Now it's time to journey to a healthier 2009.

I look forward to your return in January. I'm climbing back on that wagon with you! This time, I'm strapping myself in forever!

2009 will be a year of positive change! Cheers to us!

It's been to long...

Wow! I haven't written in a long time, to long for a gal like me that loves to write, vent and be heard!
So much going on, where to begin.

Firstly, I lost my mojo. Not being able to work-out has thrown me off the wagon. Being honest is the first policy of getting back on. I feel like crap and I'm eating not as well as I should be. I also am not drinking ANY water. I've gained five pounds. I'm very disappointed in myself. I'm also very afraid to gain back the 36 lbs (now 31 lbs) that I lost. My clothes are getting tight. I look back at my before photos and think: "NO WAY!"

My two year old is having surgery in January for a testicle issue. So we figured we'd bring in the seven year old for a check-up too. Turns out Carmelo has more serious of an issue than Antonio. Just the mention of the "C" word makes us all crumble. We are left holding our breath most likely over the Christmas holiday as the specialist is taking vacation time. Everything all at once...like I've said; when it rains it pours. Where the he..is that rainbow?

However, in light of it all. We've been down similar paths before and all has worked out. I'm keeping that faith. The little voice inside is also saying: "someone always has it worse. etc..." But then the other voice is saying: "ya got to honour the moment, and the emotions...this is a 'worse' for you. You got to feel it, soak it in, learn from it and move past it." If that doesn't work than I'll just have to focus on Carmelo himself: "Oh God! He squeezed my balls so hard I nearly farted!"

All jokes aside, in addition, I'm having negative self-righteous moments. Exactly, who am I to preach to others and attempt to inspire when I'm in such a rut myself? Why do I feel like I have the answers to everything? Why are my morale beliefs so enlightening to others? Why the heck do I have to be so positive and kind all the time? I'm getting on my own nerves; I can't imagine others who have to be around my energy! Who do I think I am?

I am walking around not feeling sorry for myself, but angry at those whom I feel are stupid and selfish. These people are testing every spiritual cell in my body. Those who annoy me, I have run out of patience or tolerance, and I must stay well away from...the pot has over boiled. I'm not feeling Christmasy either! Maybe I need Prozac!

Yet, when there is darkness...there is always a glimmer of light. I wouldn't be me, without that everlasting glimmer. It's just who I am.

I've decided that my chapter on this whole 'drama' will be an interesting one. This time, I won't fall off the wagon for three years! My friend Oprah, is coming out on Tuesday in her magazine about her recent falling off the wagon. She is promising herself to practice what she preaches. You can catch it all on her return in January; "Live Your Best Life."

Here's my promise, I'm climbing back on the wagon with Oprah! Like Randy Pausch famously said: "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." I have my poker face on and I'm sitting with a royal flush!